I was already laughing by the time we drove up to the window because they had misheard our order. Then when my mother gave them the phone to scan (the card was on there digitally) they fumbled with it for 30 seconds trying to realise why it wouldn’t work. They must not have heard her say three times that the screen was black and she needed to turn it back on. I almost cried with laughter when we drove off (which is something weird I do when I find something so mindblowingly funny; I laugh so incredibly hard that I start bawling crying and feeling miserable, and apparently it’s called emotional lability). Then we drove to the Goodwill parking lot nearby to eat and found that they gave us
So we drove back and she went into the Donut Delight in person where the other sandwich was “waiting for us”; the cashier also gave her an extra donut, a regular glazed one, as apology/making peace. Donut Delight has very good donuts and I like going there because they disclosed on their website that they do in fact use L-cysteine in their flour, but that it’s plant-based instead of being sourced from animals (bird feathers; check your flour for it). Unless you live in China, in which case your L-cysteine is probably sourced from human hair collected from barbershops. Dunkin Donuts isn’t as transparent and many people over on r/vegetarian have said to stay away because basically nothing there is without cross-contamination. There’s also some Indian guy who manages all the Dunkin Donuts locations I go to and he’s rather standoffish which makes it very easy to not want to go there.
I tried to coin a term on LGBTQIA+ Wiki but they removed my page because apparently terms can’t be coined in their pages. It sucks because I had to hype myself up before writing it up and posting it. No idea where I’ll post it now; I can’t post it here because I can’t. My mother would get that reference yet I hope she doesn’t read this essay.
When babies are born their memory fast forwards, from their perspective, to when they are 4 or 5. They do live through their infancy, yes, but have no recollection of it and arguably don’t experience it consciously, because they don’t yet have the concept to do so.
I haven’t written poetry in months because essays are better for the kind of digressive thinking I do and also because I don’t have too many ideas and also because it kind of got old after 500 pages.
I also discovered the Mothers of Invention and very much like their first few albums. I say their first few because I haven’t gotten to the last few yet.
And I bought something from Delcampe but probably won’t tell you what it is until I get it. And like I said, the concept of a “you” doesn’t faithfully exist yet because there has been very little to no traffic to this website.
Which reminds me: the site itself. There are a couple unreleased songs that I compiled in two albums in my Music app:
“website improv” [it starts at № 7 because the ones before that are already released (yes I did search for that symbol specifically because I love how it looks)]:
Navré [4:58]
O Peace [4:34]
It’s none of your goopswax [9:32]
Vrai ou faux ? [7:00]
Batterie chargé à 100% [3:16]
Sketches (bridges to nowhere) [5:42; erroneously marked as № 11 in my Music app until just now so thank you and thank me for writing this up so I could correct that error]
808s + piano = ? [8:25]
Si je puis m’exprimer ainsi [33:50]
derrière devant moi [8:42]
Pt 2 [4:24]
Glockenspieler [3:52]
inégalité [1:38]
“crying” [2:42]
So charp, so grand [6:34]
greek chorus [4:02]
41% [41:41]
Along with “website improv 2”:
roaches? [1:54]
187 [4:18]
Un petit aidant [2:40]
idée 1 [2:20]
Ta nouvelle maison [6:04]
Ton jeune esprit [4:18]
Lackadaisy [10:30]
Liber(tin)e [6:54]
You can check the songs page now to see if they’re there. I might have manned up and put them there. The only reason why I haven’t at the time of writing is because GitHub Pages has a 100MB file requirement and I’m worried about the files hitting that limit; the first time I tried making this site that limit kicked in, and even after removing the offending file it wouldn’t work so I had to delete the repo and make a new one. Though I’m not sure why I’m debating posting these at all because at the time of writing nobody visits this website anyway. I looked into a way to actually track analytics but I’d need to add Google Analytics to my HTML and I’m absolutely not doing that. If you do actually read these collected whinings then please submit a question over at questions. It can be the funniest thing ever, hopefully.
I’m working on a mixtape with someone I know now and when we’re done I may or may not put it on the albums page. I probably will though; I’ll just upload it to YouTube as well. He’s good at producing and I’m good at rapping. His best beats so far are № 45-47 and only he’ll recognise those numbers.
I made a 2-hour-long film for filmmaking class called The Exagmanification [2:00:08] but haven’t uploaded it here because
it’s matroshka format (.mkv), which works best on VLC; and
it would be way too big [about 2GB] and would hit the file size limit fairly catastrophically.
So I just haven’t, and don’t know how I’ll distribute it yet. Right now it’s just sitting on my computer. It’s an endurance film of sorts but I won’t say too much on it in case I do find a way to release it, in which case I’ll link to it here (i.e. I’ll change the word “here” in this sentence to a hyperlink). It’d be a shame if I didn’t though considering how much effort I put into making those custom subtitles without burning them into the video (which required .mkv, which QuickTime won’t read).
Way back on 2026 March 16 I wrote the first essays I ever wrote outside of a class; “No”, “Yes”, and “Maybe”. All three of them contain graphic language but the second one especially, since it describes how someone would commit suicide in an abusive relationship. I’ve not posted them because I planned to submit them somewhere. Which reminds me, I also got rejected from THE DIAGRAM after waiting 6 months to hear back from them. Lovely. But anyways, I showed them to my mother, who liked them, and then to my English teacher, who also liked them but more apprehensively, i.e. I don’t think he liked them as much as I liked them. Later the school counselor reached out to me (unrelated - we had talked before) just to check in and we made a time to meet again. We talked about n’importe quoi for most of the session but then he brings up the essays. So I ask him how he knew about them and he told me that my English teacher came to him, concerned about me, but that he wasn’t worried and that if he was I’d have already been there (my English teacher obviously never told me about this). After that I largely stopped showing my writing at school because frankly I’m not willing to deal with the bullshit. The instinct was understandable of course but if you were to read between the lines of it you’d know that it wasn’t about my feelings; the whole sentence was written as a hypothetical structure, about somebody else’s experience. Not to blame him, because he did the right thing in the moment and he’s a great teacher and a good person and everything else I’m writing to make sure that you know and that anybody else knows that I’m not trying to disparage him here and to cover my fundament. It’s just frustrating when you try to write things and then the craft of your work gets completely ignored so that somebody else can serve their own self-serving instinct to “check in”, like I wrote in this piece. For some reason I’m reluctant to call them essays. Unsure why. The analogy I use is that nobody thinks Nabokov was a paedophile for writing Lolita, because we recognise he was doing something sophisticated, i.e. not speaking from a place of actually wanting to sexually abuse a child. The other thing to think about is how weird it is that in certain cases your respect for the person’s writing is second to what you think they need, even if they don’t need a thing from you. It’s disrespectful even if you claim to have good intentions and honestly it’s part of the reason why a lot of people keep their writing in their Google Drive instead of printed out for other people to read. At the same time he left some notes on my report card about how I had such a good structure in the beginning of my last essay and then “lost it” for the second half, though I left comments explaining that that was a genuine tonal experiment and that the lack of structure was purposeful. English teachers are just taught during college to grade everyone the same way and to accept nothing less than assimilation for assignments lest they deduct points from you.
Getting rejected from magazines is actually part of the reason why I made this site. I think. I can’t remember the entire reason why but I know that factored into it at least, like how 2 factors into 50 if you go back far enough. Why doesn’t everybody self-publish, I guess. I can tell you: because nobody reads self-published work. And everybody wants to caveat and say “oH wElL eRaGoN”. You go be like Eragon and tell me how well-to-do you are.
I’ve been on Reddit and Tumblr and YouTube more, doing less thinking and more absorption. Along with feeling less than great at times, i.e. something I wrote better as a prompt to various chatbots to see how they would respond:
I remember I was 15 but felt 40 for a few reasons:
- Teenage depression
- Having the “last summer where I can't work and am fully a minor”
- The responsibility of “making it count”
I felt that before I knew it I’d be 40 and then 70 and then I’d be dead. The thing I realised though is that what I actually valued from earlier in my childhood (happiness, closeness, existence with nature) doesn’t go away just because you get a little older, and that if anything there are fuller opportunities for that in adulthood because you have full control over what you want to do. The thing I really missed was the idea of things “not mattering” much since childhood and school is like a trial period i.e. microcosm of life, and I decided that I would eventually have to let that go as well as a sort of exchange for the higher amount of agency. And lastly I missed the idea of innocence, but realised that you can still have that in adulthood but it takes more effort to cultivate what you will and won’t engage with.
Now the only thing is to actually believe it, because I’ve mostly been sitting around for the summer (like I do every summer).
I’ve been having thoughts about my next film project also. It would be more fragmented and more about me. At times I would be dancing to a song, at other times I would be sitting in the dark for 4 minutes straight, and at other-other times I would be lip syncing to a song that’s not there, leaving only my original audio to listen to, creating a sense of awkwardness for the viewer which reflects on how they also do the same when they’re alone, but never have to sit with how awkward the act is because they only see themselves doing it, and when they do it they sync with their music, latching onto the performer’s confidence to feel fine about themselves. Maybe I’ll do it, maybe I’ll never. Ain’t no telling. I shot for this to be my longest piece and I think I’ve hit that mark. My longest before this, which I think was “On being autistic”, was only 1,094 words; this is however many. You can count it yourself because I’m a lazy bastard. I say that yet I’ll probably check the word count to stroke myself before I post this.
Et sur l’avenir personne ne sait.