“On being autistic”,
I usually don’t think of it; in fact, I go a long time forgetting it. I would consider myself Level 1. Like many other people I have a calcified idea of what “autistic” looks like, and since I don’t fit it, I don’t consider it one of my core attributes. It just isn’t there for me; the way I act on occasion is considered part of my personality and not a disorder.
But the world is not so considerate. If I tell someone I’ve written 20 chapbooks amounting to about 413 pages across poetry, prose, and essays in less than 11 months, and then somebody else says “He’s autistic”, they’d probably say “It all makes sense”. If not verbally, then mentally. Because there’s a weird double standard with autism, or maybe it’s a false dichotomy: Autism either completely debilitates you to the point of being “retarded”, or it gives you the superpower of strong focus or obsession on something to the point of mastering it quickly. Neither of these are typically true on their own, and in fact they can both manifest in the same person.
I don’t usually tell people I’m autistic because of this fact. Everything going forward and even retroactively gets categorised as “autistic” or “special”. It’s not my choices anymore, it’s my autism’s. And that’s incredibly frustrating. Maybe it would hurt but I luckily haven’t gone through it yet, at least not on a large scale.
It was more visible during my early childhood; I was diagnosed at 17 months old, which is seemingly a very early age. At about five years old I got into the Mensa Society from an IQ test I took at school; regardless of the fact that it’s very weird for a school to administer IQ tests, I don’t mention this either because I usually either forget or remember that I can’t pay the dues.
I remember starting a YouTube channel. It was originally supposed to be called Ryan’s Worldwide Book Club, and was sanctioned by my mother; we had wanted to do it since I was 5 but didn’t get to it until I was 10 or 11 or so. I got dressed up in a very academic outfit (something a mother would like but nobody else would; she made me put on her old glasses, even though I’ve never needed them), and I monologued to the camera about a book recommendation for that month and also gave it a story of how I was in Mensa and was diagnosed autistic. Our certificates were also lined up on the wall behind me, but if you actually got a good look at them you’d see they weren’t as significant as they seemed: mostly honor roll certificates from me and my sister, my older brother’s high school diploma, my mother’s diploma for completing a state program called PLTI, and a “Music Achievement Certificate” from my sister. I know she was well-meaning but that didn’t make it any better for me.
I’ll provide a transcript of what I’m talking about; just know I internally cringe at it, because if there’s anything I hate more than intelligent people who act snobby, it’s intelligent children who act prim and proper when they could be less uptight. The video is called “Ryan’s Worldwide Book Club! Happy Black History Month! February Book Recommendation.” and was uploaded on 2022 January 31.
“Hey guys! My name is Ryan, and thank you for subscribing to my channel! So today, I will be making a February recommendation for the books you should read. But first, I’d like to tell you a little bit about myself. So, at seven– So I was born in Brooklyn, New York in 2011. And when I was 17 months old, I was diagnosed with autism. However, I have overcome the challenge of autism in the face of adversity, and I have reached many hei– I have reached many heights, such as being accepted into the Mensa Society [holds up certificate] at 5 years old. For those of you unfamiliar with the Mensa Society, it is the organisation where only 2% of the general population is admitted into. There are– There is a website that you can go to to apply for it if you are interested. And I have also met the previous Senator of Stamford, Connecticut—or Connecticut, most likely—named Christopher S. Murphy– Murphy, when I was 5 year– when I was also 5 years old in January of 2017. I had– it’s– I had submitted my essay that I wrote on Martin Luther King, Jr., of about 115 words, into his challenge, and I got accepted to– and I got accepted to come have breakfast with him and the other winners at– in Middletown. It was very fun and I was able to take pictures with him and get a signed certificate from him. Now, with that being said about myself, here is this month’s recommend– here is this month’s book recommendation: I have decided that, since it is Black History Month, to recommend a book related to Black history. And it is called, Little Leaders: Bold Women in Black History by Vashni Harrison.”
If this isn’t Vanity Central, I don’t know what could be.
I don’t know why people genuinely take pride in Mensa; an IQ is just a number. It literally means “Intelligence Quotient”, and various studies and people throughout the years have independently reached the conclusion that IQ is a less-than-optimal way to measure someone’s intelligence. And even if IQ is a good way of doing it, intelligence doesn’t matter if you don’t do anything with it. If you post your certificate online, mention it whenever you can, and make it your entire personality, then you’re just finding a new, more socially acceptable reason to show off. Or actually, less socially acceptable, because nobody likes a know-it-all. So maybe a more academic reason to show off.
Mensa itself doesn’t have many benefits except for some meeting that Mensa members have. I remember going to one when I was about seven or eight at the Colony Grill, which is this local pizzeria. For some reason when I went up for seconds I took four slices and finished the tray, making everyone in line behind me have to wait for them to bring out more. My mother still mentions the story on occasion.
I’m a person. A disordered person, but disordered person ≠ disorder. ♦