“On the five paragraph essay”,
They say: You need the five-paragraph essay and its conventions to write well. I say: That’s bull. My laundry list of complaints about it grows longer and longer every time I think about it but for the sake of brevity I’ll only try to give it as much time as it requires.
Firstly, the language. You’re forced into using connectors like “This shows that” and “In the long run” and other things that would pop into an A1 English textbook but that a native speaker could go 60 years without willingly using. It essentially teaches children no, don’t write in your natural voice, it’s not good enough, you need to write irrationally to gain respect, and this is normal.
Secondly, the pronouns. You’re barred from using first-person language, i.e. “I”, “we”, “us”, etc. The excuse teachers often give is “removing subjectivity” but saying “The true meaning of Macbeth is feminism” instead of “I believe the true meaning of Macbeth is feminism” doesn’t make it any less subjective; it just makes it look objective while being intellectually dishonest.
Thirdly, the length. Every English teacher I’ve had gives a different sentence length for paragraphs, not even mentioning history teachers. Some say five sentences. Others say six. More recently I’ve been told it’s “however long you need to explain your point of view” (paraphrasing). What if I need three sentences? What if I need 25? The “however long” quantifier only works if you stay in the range of 4 to 9, which is really what they want.
Fourthly, the presentation. You’re made to present the thesis statement in the first paragraph, typically as its last sentence. Why would you make your argument before you provide evidence?
Fifthly, the “essay” poisoning. You’re told that this is how you write essays, typically at a young age. I can imagine that there have been many people who have gone through the (American) schooling system, been thoroughly poisoned by it, and have never realised that essays don’t have to be presented this way. I think this leaks into other domains of writing, most notably creative writing, because my classmates seem to have a medical or pathological intolerance for leaving ambiguity in their work, i.e. everything is spelled out. Hair colour? Specified. Room layout? Specified. The genealogy that has no bearing on the story that you never would have even given mental space to? SPECIFIED.
I need water. ♦