[insert title here]

[insert title here], my fourth chapbook, was written on 2025 November 16; it is 24 pages long, excluding the front and back cover. I consider it one of my best chapbooks to date.

I don’t remember the exact reason why I decided to write it that day; I do remember that I was on my bed, not really doing much, and then I suddenly found the urge to write. I started writing at 16:05. The story came fully formed into my head as a flood, and in order to not forget any of it I wrote c. 17:01 in the margins of “Stamford Charter School for Excellence”:

1. Write down everything you think on a piece of paper, without editing or self-censoring.

2. bullied ☑

3. lonely ☑

4. mental health struggles ☑

5. play

6. play

7. suicide (or at least thoughts, painted as eternal child speaking to him)

I finished “issues pt 2”, the last poem in the chapbook, at 16:11. Overall the chapbook took two hours and 6 minutes to write, with very little revision (almost entirely proofreading) made the next day.

I remember my mother coming in and interrupting me a few minutes after I started writing; she told me I had to wash my hair. I told her that I couldn’t stop writing now that I was in a flow state and asked her to wait. I do believe that, had I stopped and washed my hair, the chapbook wouldn’t be nearly as cohesive as it is.

I didn’t fully realise this until after I had finished it, but the book kind of inverts the Holy Trinity:

• God the Father → Absent Father (mythologised as a caring figure)

• Holy Spirit (guiding mentor) → Eternal Child (tormenting inner self)

• God the Son → Son (our protagonist)

[insert title here] is a work of autofiction, meaning that the feelings expressed by the protagonist (e.g. suicidal ideation, loneliness, etc.) are real, but the events in which they manifest (e.g. arguing with Mother, being slapped, running to and jumping off the bridge) are fictionalised.

The idea of the Eternal Child figure came from my school psychologist named Jeff, who I was seeing at the time. He characterised my depression by using the term “inner child”, i.e. since it started two years before starting appointments with him in 2025 it was literally two years younger than me, since it usually freezes in place to the circumstances that were in place then. I actually gave Jeff a copy of [insert title here] shortly before ending my appointments with him; he flipped through it during the session and said he couldn’t read it all then and there, but read “eternal child” and praised me for it.

I submitted [insert title here] to the Rattle Chapbook Prize on the night of 2025 December 31; it was the first contest that I paid money (i.e. thirty dollars USD) to enter. This is the main reason why I have not yet published it here. For the contest, I made some edits for safety, the most memorable being:

• “SCDS” → “NSA”: I changed the name Stamford Country Day School, which is non-existent but based on the name of a real school near me, to North Stamford Academy, which also does not exist and does not bear resemblance to any real institutions in the area or otherwise.

After Thoughtpoetry, I credit [insert title here] with helping me solidify my poetical voice. I refer to it as a “poetical voice” and not “poetic voice” because of the difference I make between the two terms:

• “Poetic”: Referring to the tools of traditional poetry, such as rhyme, scansion, meter, etc. I typically don→t use these in my work.

• “Poetical”: Referring to the aesthetics and style of the poetry itself.